Birth, pregnancy, post natal depression, baby blues, arrival of a second born.
Having a second in Italy after my first in France... What a difference. France is waaaay behind the times.
Long time no see but I was pretty busy with a moving abroad and a new baby to give birth to...
But my baby boy is born now and we live in Italy where the world of mothers is much much easier than in France!
So I wanted to share some slices of life to cheer you up and give hope because France is very near Italy!!!
- I gave birth without peridurale because they think it is better for both mom and babe
- I could give in the position I wanted
- The breastfeeding is no question at all because they simply assume that it is the normal way. The bottle is only if you have a really big problem
- The nurses are well trained to BF
- the Gynecologist and the pediatrician are well trained too! Even the man!! A pediatrician told me that I should BF minimum 2 years because it may baby more clever and healthier.
- another pediatrician, at the public hospital, told me to BF each time the baby makes a "I'm hungry sign" and never never to wait or to let the baby cry to feed!
Last week was the best! I went to an ophtalmologist for my elder child for her glasses. The ophtalmo saw that my child had a conjonctivite. and she told me exactly this:
"are you breastfeeding? Good, then put some milk in her eyes and I will give you a collyre only if it does not stop the conjonctivite!"
I was flabberghast! and happy!
moreover, in the street, everybody looks at you smiling and say "congrats" when they see you baby and NOBODY is disturb to see you breastfeeding everywhere.
So I'm sooooo glad to have moved away! They have a président who leaves a lot to be desired (as we have) that does not respect women but they surely know how to respect motherhood!
I hope France will grow up very soon!
Best of love to all and hope everything is fine!
I.V. mother of 2. Happy in Italy.
Birth In A "maison de Naissance" in France
How's that for a coincidence - more than that a "c'était écrit" sort of 4th dimension thing
I wrote the emails about my book just received on that morning the 23rd... the postman put the parcel in our box at 10.30 and I started labour at 11.35 exactly.... had the baby at 6.35 P.M.
La maison de la naissance à Nantes. Fantastic place !
This birth ladies has been so incredibly perfect that I - spoilt brat that I am - 'regret' it. I mean I got used to being induced with drugs that make contractions so much worse that this... starting labour naturally, having normally painful contractions and really bad ones only for the last hour ( I'd say I was in transition for 45 minutes and blissfully that's when I was alone in the salle de travail, free to move anywhere I wanted - there even is a toilet cabinet in the salle de travail !) was so surprising that I sort of was taken aback. Like I need a rewind to understand it fully.
Such respect for a woman in labour (no IV, no drugs, total freedom), for her baby (the cord was cut a long time after birth and only when I consented... no washing the baby until the next day...) during le travail and after (breakfast at 8/8.30 in the morning, only two visits a day that you can skip if you want, no vaginal examination at all unless you want something checked out and ask for it, never anything imposed, etc.) I've never seen nor heard of unless you give birth at home.
At home was simply impossible for me : i'm alone with all my other kids and that would have meant back to cleaning, cooking, etc. on that very day. I enjoyed having time to meet my baby proper and have my meals done by someone else!
I'm right now too tired to write any more details. There will be a longer version of this birth in a few weeks for you all to read. Promise.
Choosing a Caregiver.
Exerpt from Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth. By Ina May Gaskin.
One of the greatest influences on what happens to you during labour (especially as this relates to medical interventions, procedures, and medications) depends upon whom you choose to be your caregiver.
In North America there are three separate professions that provide maternity care: midwives, family doctors, and obstetricians.
Midwives are specialists in normal pregnancy and birth. Midwifery care is individualised and focuses on minimising the use of obstetrical intervention when possible. Midwives provide all the prenatal care healthy women need. The midwifery ideal is to work with each woman and her family to identify her unique physical, social, and emotional needs. Midwifery care is associated with fewer episiotomies, fewer forceps and vacuum-extractor deliveries, fewer epidurals, and fewer cesariean sections. Midwives are trained to identify the small percentage of births in which complications develop and to refer these to obstetricians.
In the United States, there are three basic categories of midwives. Certified nurse-midwives (CNMs) are registered nurses and have completed additional postgraduate training at an institution accredited by the American College of Nurse-Midwives (ACNM). Direct-entry midwives are those who did not become registered nurses as a step toward midwifery training. There are two varieties of certified direct-entry midwives in the United States: certified professional midwives (who are certified by the North American Registry of Midwives) and certified midwives, who are certified by the ACC, the credentialing arm of the American College of Nurse-Midwives. In several states, another variety of direct-entry midwife is licenced to practice; usually these midwives are called “licensed midwives.” Not all midwives are certified or licensed.
Most of the home births in the United States are attended by some variety of direct-entry midwife, with approximately 8% of home births being attended by certified nurse-midwives. Birth centres are staffed by all varieties of midwives. The bulk of certified nurse-midwives work in hospitals.
About 30% of family doctors practicing in the United States provide maternity care. These general practitioners tend to be somewhat more prevalent in rural areas. Many do not have surgical privileges and like midwives, must refer to an obstetrician if a cesarean becomes necessary. It would be a mistake though, to consider care by family doctors or midwives inferior to that offered by obstetricans simply on the grounds that obstetricians need not refer care to a family physician or to a midwife if no complications develop during a course of labour. Several studies have found that family doctors tend to have lower rates of obstetrical intervention than obstetricians.
Some family physicians practice more within a midwifery mode because part of their residency training involved teaching by certified nurse-midwives. Other family doctors practice much like obstetricians, since in many states most receive the bulk of their obstetric training from obstetricians.
Obstetricians are doctors who have specialised in obstetrics. Their medical training is focused on detecting and treating the pathological problems of pregnancy, sometimes labour and birth. As surgeons, they perform cesarean sections and forceps and vacuum-extractor births. In North America, for historical reasons, they far outnumber midwives and family physicians who provide maternity care. In part because of their numbers and long-held dominance over the other two professions, they design most of the hospital maternity-department rules and routines. They usually determine the role played by family doctors in maternity care.
Obstetricians are trained to detect pathology. When they detect it, their training focuses on intervention and treatment. Looked at from a world perspective, the role of obstetricians in North America is unusual, since in North America, obstetricians serve as caregivers for healthy pregnant women, as well as for women who are ill or high-risk. When obstetricians provide maternity care for healthy women, they often apply interventions that are appropriate for complicated pregnancies, to all women. In most countries, obstetricians focus on providing care to women who are ill or who have develped a complication.
Interviewing a Caregiver.
As I’ve mentioned before, it is not possible to determine solely by licensure, certification, gender, profession, or outward appearance the philosophy of practice of any given practitioner. Not all midwives work within the midwifery model of care; not all doctors work entirely within the limits of the medical model of care. Women are not necessarily more sensitive than men when it comes to providing maternity care.
What I’m saying here is that you need to be a smart shopper. One of the best ways to educate yourself about the care possibilities in your area is to interview several practitioners. Notice how you feel during and after your talks with them. Keep in mind that some practitioners may tailor their answers to match what they think are your prejudices. You might ask for instance: What is your practice concerning eipisiotomy on first-time mothers? How often does this happen?
Respect your own intuition. If you get “good” answers from a given practitioner but you just don’t feel comfortable with that person, you will probably be wise to continue looking for a good match.
What follows is a list of specific questions that you might ask.
How, when and where did you receive your midwifery education?
Are you certified or licensed?
What physician collaboration or backup do you have?
Do you maintain statistics from your practice? May I see them?
How many women are due within a month of my due date?
Do you work with a partner? If so, what are her qualifications?
What is your plan if someone else is in labour when I am?
Do you use pharmaceutical products to induce labour?
What prenatal tests do you require?
What are your recommendations about my diet during pregnancy?
(You should be wary of anyone who recommends a weight gain of less than twenty five or thirty pounds. If you are overweight, you should not be encouraged to lose weight or to avoid gaining beyond a certain number of pounds. Watch out for practitioners who recommend salt restriction.)
Do you carry an oxygen tank to births?
What methods do you suggest to alleviate labour pain?
Is your certification in neonatal resuscitation up to date?
To what hospital do you transport if this becomes necessary? Who will go with me?
How often will you make postpartum visits?
Do you participate in regular peer review?
How many women do you have to care for at once?
Who will care for me if you aren’t at work when I go into labour?
What prenatal tests do you do routinely?
What procedures do you do routinely for women in labour?
Are you open to my having a doula, in addition to my husband/partner?
May I drink and eat during labour?
Can I have intermittent monitoring rather than EFM?
What methods do you suggest to alleviate labour pain?
Are there tubs or showers at the hospital? Is it likely that I can use one?
Is there a time limit on labour?
Can you put my baby on my chest (skin-to-skin contact) after birth?
Will you wait to clamp the umbilical cord until it has stopped pulsating?
What kind of postpartum care do you do?
What is your induction rate? What methods do you use?
Obstetrician or Family-Practice Doctor.
How likely is it that you’ll be present when I give birth?
If not, who will be there instead?
Can I meet all of your partners?
What is your policy on ultrasound?
What forms of pain relief do you recommend?
How many women in your practice give birth without pharmacological pain relief?
What do you think about doulas?
How often am I likely to see you while I’m in labour?
What prenatal tests do you do routinely?
What labour procedures do you do routinely?
What methods do you suggest to alleviate labour pain?
Can my baby’s heart rate be intermittently monitored by the nurses?
Do you perform episiotomies routinely? How often do women in your care give birth without episiotomy?
Can I drink and eat in labour?
If I go into labour, check in to the hospital, and my labour slows down before I get very far, can I go home?
Can I walk around in labour?
Is there a time limit for labour? How long can I push?
Can I choose the position for giving birth? Can I give birth on my hands and knees if I like that position?
What is your cesarian rate?
This may seem a personal question, but (if female) can I ask if you ever gave birth vaginally?
This may seem a personal question, but (if male and a father) can I ask if any of your children were born vaginally?
What is your forceps and vacuum-extraction rate?
Will you cut the umbilical cord after it quits pulsating?
Can you put my baby on my chest (skin-to-skin contact) after birth?
What training have you had?
Do you have any other responsabilities that might keep you from being available when I’m in labour?
Can you provide references?
How many clients have you already worked with?
Can you tell me the range of situations you’ve worked with?
Remember that a postpartum doula’s job is to care for you so that you can focus on your baby’s care. She may do housework or cooking. You want a mature person who will truly listen to you, someone who will be calm even if you are feeling overwhelmed and stressed.
If any of the above questions provokes resentment, sarcasm, hostility, scare tactics, or vague or patronising answers, keep shopping. You would likely not put up with such treatment in a restaurant, and finding the right caregiver for you during pregnancy and birth is a far more important decision to make than where you eat a meal.
Notes and references for this chapter on page 310 of “Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth”.
S on M's Birth in a Maison de Naissance
I, too, read your story with baited breath, tears, and laughter. I wish that I had put down so many words to remember W's birth. Quite honestly, as I imagined you sitting on the steps, I envisioned you giving birth at home just so that you wouldn't have to move. Then, I was reading about the car ride wondering if J would be one of those side-of-the-road births! (At this point, my husband tried to talk to me, and I 'shhed' him, as I couldn't tear myself from your story!)
I know that when our midwife suggested that we leave for the maternité des Lilas because W wasn't feeling comfortable with labor, every molecule in me resisted the idea of going ANYWHERE--and W was born 20 minutes later.
Keep resting and may the little boys keep letting you rest!
Twins! C, R&M’s birth Story Part 1.
Today we celebrated R & M’s first birthdays and if I look at the time, 10:20pm, it is exactly the time I was going to the operating table in the maternity exactly one year ago.
My labour had been induced due to degrading toxemia. I had been bed ridden for the last 10 days, forced to stay horizontal, and as the situation was getting worse, at 38 weeks, it was time to have my boys born.
After 3 hours of labour, hoping to have a natural birth, everyone involved decided it was time to take them out by cesarien. The father was able to accompagny us right into the operating block and saw his boys born and watched with joy, when they stopped crying as soon as they were shown to me and heard my voice.
It was really a magnificent moment to see their eyes open after so long in obscurity, looking right at me, at life.
I was moved when I saw the same lines of my mouth in theirs.
Next, I was left in a room, lying flat on my back. The epidural had been so strong I couldn’t even move my hands. I was happy, sad, and furious to see my babies lying in plastic warming boxes. Their entire bodies were seeking me, they were so obviously full of life. Their hands were reaching for me, in the air, reaching only emptiness, their feet were kicking, touching nothing. Their heads were turning from side to side, their mouths making sucking movements, for 2 hours before finaly falling asleep, alone in their boxes, obviously their needs unsatisfied.
Since then we all sleep in the same bed, the papa as well, all pell mell together.
M and R were born at 2.680k and 2.360k. The first time I could finally put them to my breasts was 3 or 4 hours after the birth. All night they had gone on and off the breast without really latching on or sucking properly. As soon as they got in one or two sucks they would promptly fall asleep again. Sometimes they would even suck the skin next to the nipple. All night they had been trying to get a bit more colostrom.
M really managed to suck and to swallow the next day at 4:30pm and his brother R about 2 hours later. It was exhausting work for my little R. During those first few days, he could never nurse for more than 5 minutes at a time. I had to tickle him under his chin to get him to take in a little bit more each time.
I will never forget the Saturday morning when I had finally got up from bed, and from a marathon 50 minutes nursing with R. I had slept only 2 hours in 2 days. When I saw that I actually had milk, for the first time, I was taken by a sudden surge of strength, energie I had no right to feel, I jumped from bed with joy.
I’ll get back to you for the next episode.
I was "overdue" and having a hard time with the doctors wanting to induce me. They had actually contacted the PMI about me somewhere about 1 week after the estimated due date (EDD). Knowing that a file was open on me there, I decided that I couldn't use the ignore method of dealing with the doctors anymore. I called them and went in about two weeks after the EDD. After arguing with them, I managed to put induction talks off to three weeks after the EDD, if I agreed to NST every 48 hours until then. The baby lookedgood in the testing they did that day.
During the next day, I decided that I couldn't just wait around for the induction deadline. My first thought was to flee. I contacted the well-known natural birthing hospitalin our country but they didn't have space to take me. We talked about the nearest places we could go and getting there. Reality said we couldn't get anywhere. So, I decided to order some homeopathic items at the pharmacy. I had serious doubts that the head doctor would be willing to wait to see if these would work after the induction deadline, which meant I would have to try to get something going before then.
Two days later, we again went in for NST. The baby looked good, I was 3 cm dilated, and the fluid was clear in an amnioscopy. DH, (my husband) and I decided we were going to try to get things started that evening. I talked to a midwife back home about how much of the homeopathic items to take and the frequency. We put in a DVD babysitter for a dose of prostaglandins and then I started taking the homeopathic items while DH prepared dinner. I was tired after dinner, so I left DH with the dishes and went up to bed.
Somewhere between 2:30 and 3:00 am, I woke up with some cramping. After a while of sitting up and moving around in bed, I decided to go downstairs. Went to the bathroom and thought I might have had what could be considered emptying, but didn't think it was enough and didn't have any nausea to go with it. Joined DH in the kitchen. We talked about whether real labor was starting and what we should be doing. I'm a bit foggy on the exact order of things from there. I know I decided that I should eat something since it had been 6 or 7 hours since dinner. And I know I decided I should start drinking some raspberry leaf tea. DH started pureeing some soup and put a kettle on. He got me a cup of cold nettle tea that I had prepared a couple of days before. I drank the nettle tea and things got more intense. After a bit, I
started shaking with each rush. I told myself each time that I was opening up, I would have my baby finally, and everything was going to be fine. I pictured the image of Sheela-na-gig in my head. DH abandoned the soup and tea to hold me during rushes. I decided that I wanted to go sit in the tub, so we went together out to the bathroom. DH started cleaning and preparing the tub, while I sort of made an attempt to help. As the tub was being filled, I went to the bathroom but got up to see the toilet water was bloody. I looked at my undies and there was some blood in them, but only an amount that could be considered "show". The blood in the toilet was a different story. I told DH that we should telephone the midwife to see what we should do and where to find the book with her number in it. He went to get it once
he had put me in the tub and came back to phone her. The midwife was on another line. I guess that I said that I felt like pushing then, but I don't quite remember that. I remember trying to not push very much because I knew that with my first child (DC#1), I had started pushing too early. But my body was really doing what it wanted to do.
A short time after, the midwife called us back. I hung up with her and had DH call her so that it would be on our bill. When I got back on the phone with her, I didn't even have time to tell her the reason for the phone call. I reached down to feel the bag of waters bulging. They broke a few moments later. I felt the baby's head and burning against my perineum in the same spot I had torn with DC#1. I threw down the phone and started trying to slow down the baby's descent. I told myself that I was opening up and that I was not going to tear because I was going to get big, so big. I pictured Sheela-na-gig. I told the baby that everything was going to be okay. I applied pressure to the perineum area and the baby somehow shot out. Literally. There was no pause after crowning.
DH somehow managed to catch our baby since I obviously had not managed to do it myself as I had planned. I sat in the corner of the tub as DH handed the baby to me. I asked him if the midwife was still on the phone and he said he had hung it up. I had him call her back. He
handed me the phone and she knew that we had our baby. That's when we looked to see the sex. The midwife congratulated me and said that the cry sounded good. In talking later, we decided it had to be very close to 5:00 am when she was born. We had probably only been out of bed for an hour and a half.
This is where the story gets very different from most unattended childbirth's (UC) because of living in unnatural birthing France. DH and I asked each other what we should do after our bb's birth and I said that we should go get the next-door neighbor who is a doctor. I got off the phone with the midwife and DH took a couple of photos of the baby and I. Then he thought we should get out of the tub so that we wouldn't get too cold. When I stood up, a bunch of blood came out. I had DH grab a chux pad for me to stand on and then told him to go get a bowl. The one he brought back and placed beneath my legs wasn't the one I
wanted, but there wasn't time to get a different one because the placenta pretty much fell out immediately after he set it down. I sat down on the bowl while DH went to get the neighbour doctor.
When DH came back, he said the doctor wasn't home but that his wife was coming. We looked at the baby and kissed each other while we waited for her. Then DH went to the front of the house, in case she couldn't find us. When she got there, she moved me off the bowl I was squatting over and onto the toilet. We talked a little bit with her about whether we should just wait for 8am and call one of the other nearby
doctors and other alternatives. She thought we should telephone SAMU, so DH called them. I asked her the time and it was 5:15 am. DH came back in and said SAMU couldn't get hold of the ambulance service, so they were contacting the fire department. The neighbour said she would go back to her house so we could have a few moments together. DH decided to empty the tub and clean up the bathroom some. He also took a few more photos of us.
When the fire department arrived, I suddenly wished they hadn't come. There were 6 or so of them. Two just stayed in front of the house with their ambulance and other vehicle.
The woman near me in the bathroom smelled like an ashtray. The nurse was a man. He lightly suctioned my baby's nose and the woman took my blood pressure. The nurse clamped the cord and gave DH a sterile scalpel to cut the cord. They wanted to open a vein on me but I declined. Then a doctor arrived and my daughter and I left with them in the ambulance.
DH would wake up DC#1 and they would meet us at the hospital. In the ambulance, I refused an IV and an open vein a few more times. On the way to the hospital, we picked up a midwife and I got to explain the UC to her.
At the hospital, I declined a lot more interventions. They dressed my baby and put her in an incubator next to me. Then, while examining me (no tears or skid marks), they took her away to weigh her. I was really unhappy about that. It took longer than I thought weighing
should take. The nurse who took her away said that when she went to weigh her, she had pooped and had to take care of that also. This nurse later gave me the insert of the eye drops they wanted to put in her eyes, so I'm hoping the best that she was honest and my daughter
didn't get drops without my knowing it. I really liked the pediatrician who examined her and don't think he would have done anything without my consent.
By the time we were taken to a room, DH and DC#1 had arrived. They didn't stay very long because of construction noise and it being very hot in the hospital. DC#1 liked meeting the baby and we nursed in tandem for the first time.
We agreed that they would come back that evening to pick us up. The woman in the room with me had been asking to leave for 3 days without success, but no one tried to tell me I couldn't leave that evening. Arrangements were made for a nurse to come to our house the next day and they gave me the materials needed for the PKU test the next week.
Even though I would have liked to have just got cleaned up and snuggled into the bed with my new little one after the birth, I'm glad that we called SAMU and went to the hospital because it has made our life a bit easier. Since it was the fire department that came, our mayor's office learned about the birth and will be doing a birth certificate for us. This has been a problem in France when parents go against the norm and have their babies outside of a hospital. I'm hoping that the PMI will close our file faster this way also. We'll see how that goes. And even though my daughter was taken from me once, I was able to protect both of us from many interventions that would have occurred if she had been born in a hospital. I know our birthing experience could have never been as easy or as fast as it was if it had occurred outside of the comforts of our home.
Second born, the crises. Night terrors and other signs of distress.
I am in a border line life crisis with my first born , who will be three in a few days, this is the case:
Her sister was born three weeks ago, I read to her while I was pregnant with all the books to prepare the event, she was so happy to see the belly growing, to feel it, etc ... When A, my second born was born at home, she woke up 20 min later giving her kisses and all, the days went by and she started feeling that things were changing, then came the holidays, and it was very hard for me to play with her, and feed my second born at the same time, we had to get out to the playground carring her at the back and my new bb in front, but I was so tired, my sleep was very poor, getting nervous and tired for everything. Saturday we left for the south to her grantparents house ,everything was fine, but I was becoming so depressed and tired that I couldn’t even hear my baby crying. Babyblues? So I wrote to maman blues, and they helped. I started taking millerpetius. I needed to sleep so I slept when I could, ate when I was hungry, her father taking her to school, on the bike. Sometimes she will cry for a tiny thing then it becames bigger and bigger. It happened in a big way yesterday. I wasn’t there, I was sleping. I talked to her, telling her that I loved her and I understood her pain. Saying she had to find her place. With her grantparents she would go to the pool, everything was ok till something she doesn’t appreciate makes everythig go wrong and she starts the same screaming. Big crisis ! when I went to see what was wrong, she was in a corner, crying so I took her with but me she didn’t want to be with me. I respect that. She wanted her father, but last night at three she woke up screaming. I was in the other bed with the newborn, and she was with her father. So I came toward her and she sarted to scream scream very very loudly. Big big crisis. I said « I am here, you had a bad dream. »
« Vamonos » she said. It means « lets go. » She wanted to leave. We tried to understand what she was talking about, (go where ?) but she was screaming, trembling. She didn’t know what she wanted, her father couln’t take it any longer and put some water in her face. I didn’t appreciate that. It lasted an hour before we could calm her, and it happened again today. This time I took her in my arms, held her, telling her that I love her and that I understood her pain, and would be more present for her over the holidays. Andrea the poor thing, she became nervous, having big big crisis, screaming. She insisted she wanted to leave. She was so tired so tired, so I read to her and took the baby with me, in the middle between my first born and me, and she fell asleep. Pffff.
I am worried with this crisis. I don’t know what to do. Does anyone with a second child, have any experience with the firstborn similar to this ? Sorry for the spelling but I had to do it so quickly, they are both asleep....... By the way I give my first born white chestnut and « rescue » but maybe someone knows homeopathy that could help her.
Thank you Besos O.M. (mx)
Concerning the arrival of a second child, we had difficult times here also with Loïs after the birth of my second born, mostly due to my extreme tiredness and lack of patience, and Loïs was very much "provocative" than usual.
I also wanted to share about night terrors. Hélàs I know them very well since my first born has been having night terrors since he was a baby. I could not remember exactly when it started, perhaps around him being 1 year old.
When he was very little is was really sleep walking episodes, he would wake up yelling and screaming,his arms and legs trembling, and he walked in the house in the dark rooms, bumping into things but still asleep. It lasted 10-15 min maximum (an eternity to live through, hearing him screaming, crying, seeing him shaking like that), and after that either he would going back in a sound sleep or waking up a little to have a hug or to nurse. Nothing we could do would help, holding him, speaking to him, etc ... Sometimes he would have night terrors over several following nights, and then nothing for a while, and then they would start again, etc ... I have read that it happens when children have too much emotion during the day, cannot express it, so this is the way they can evacuate it. Sometimes I could find a cause to the night terror (for example an argument between my husband and myself and me in the evening) but most of the times I could not see what was the cause (even more difficult when my first born spent his days with the nanny).
Now my first born is 3 years and 9 months old, he still has night terrors but very rarely. There can be months between two episodes (he had one though last week the night after I took him to the cinema to see "L'âge de glace 3". Definitively a movie way-too-scary for him ... we stayed only half an hour in the cinema, but it was obviously sooo scared, my poor little boy.
Concerning the dealing of the night terror itself, I found that if I let Loïs burn his energy during the crisis, it ends more quickly : for example I put him standing so that he can walk in his room instead of lying in his bed with all his arms and legs shaking. After a while he generally walks more slowly, or even sits down, so I can put him back in his bed and comfort him, and he falls alseep almost instantly. I always stand next to him and talk to him during all the crisis, sometimes he can answer me between his yelling and sometimes not.
O.M., I am really hoping you will not have to deal with night
terrors again with your daughter, I know how impressive and difficult it is to see ... With time, things will go better for you with the 2 little girls, it will be easier and easier, you'll see !
Don't know really if I can help but i feel for you. My first born had her biggest crisis since I was pregnant and moreover since the second born is here.
I couldn't pay her as much attention as I could before and it is really hard for her sometimes.
It was even harder since I developped frequent irritation with her + intolerance to her still high BF demands.
My first born s is in love with the new baby, but everyday life isn't easy for our relationship (me and my first born).
She also turned herself much more to her father, who also was much more available for her.
I found out for me and her that cutting down in time with our relationship was making things harder (exemple : by sending her to the baby sitter) and when I was trying to cope with the situation, the crisis, crisis after crisis I would learn better and quickier how to deal with them, our relationship has come back to harmonious times.
These days I am trying to work on my acceptance to her yelling (I found myself not a long time ago yelling at her saying "stop yelling")
Harmony was great the week I applied the rule "say yes as much as possible" and give immediate response ... fewer crisis, fewer yelling, fewer stress, less faigue at the end.
For sure, what helps in our situation is that my second born, even though she is under 6 months is really ok to stay too with her dad. So during the first month I really could put my first born to sleep alone (while her father was looking after the baby) and I still can have some time alone with her (like going to a restaurant) The real hard time during the day is the siesta time when I am alone.
Hold on ... truning 3 to 4 is also an adventure !!!
Bises and to both your children.
Oh my dear, Im so sorry to hear what you're going through! If I remember correctly, my daughter went through this too, but she did not have a sibling so we were not as sleep deprived and didn't feel the emotions that you are going through. Three is the age of night terrors, at least that's when my daughter had them. Very violent screaming and sometimes, even though her eyes were open, she was actually still asleep. She would push us both away very violently, refusing comfort until she would come out of it and either fall back asleep or else want to be in our arms again. VERY disturbing for the parents! There is absolutely nothing you can do except wait it out, and murmur comfort. It's a little bit like sleep walking, but it's not called "night terrors" for nothing! They do grow out of it eventually... Our pediatrician prescribed Stramonium 9ch, 2 granules before sleeping as well as a sirop called Quiétude, which is also homeopathique.
It sounds to me like you're doing the right things. The more sleep you yourself get, the more you'll be able to take these difficult times in your stride. A sibling is probably a big adjustment for her so the normal toddler "testing the limits" are even more violent. Maybe someone else with two children will give you better advice than me. In the meantime, good luck and keep up the good work!
I thought that it might be reassuring to know that we also went through that. My first born was two when my second was born and she was a long-awaited miracle baby, still breastfeeding at that point. So it was very hard for her. She had another loss at the time, because her cousin, with whom she grew up moved away from us, so she was grieving over so many things!
Of course, the new baby took over a lot the first month, but we also knew that the crisis was inevitable and were, hmm... prepared for the worst. So one thing we did was to always acknowledge that her screaming was a reaction to a really hard situation! We would talk a lot with her and just try to offer consolation, but sometimes she would choose to be with a toy instead of us, close to us, but alone. That is an expression of grief as well.
We also tried to invite other children over (ah, i know how awful that must sound just after birth), but it helped a great deal. She turned away her attention and was able to play things out. She picked up two steiner dolls, and one of them was mummy and another a baby. And the baby was falling all the time and mummy was consoling her. So when she played that game, I tried to leave her some time, and than take her on my hands, pick her up and console, just as she did with her doll - showing us indirectly what she is expecting from us.
I also tried to find time to get out with her alone even if for twenty minutes while my husband was carrying my first born in a sling. To do something special. That nasty glass of juice in a coffee shop or a pancake in the market would give us a feeling of comraderie. She was always reassured by that kind of activity.
It was briefly harder when my husband went back to work, but than at some point she was able to verbalise her agression. And than things went back to manageable level and are getting better ever since. My first born is three now and my second is one. My first born still asks to be held like a baby and briefly goes back to what it was before. They have some jealosie spats, but nothing very tough.
It is hard for your little one, but this time will pass. You will have them playing together soon enough!
I wish you lots and lots of courage!
Thank you M.F. and M.M and M.C. I thought of you all when my first bron was in this situation again yesterday. How do they manage it all ?! I feel better. I slept and with my first born things are a little better. At night I give her starmonium and in the day if she is nervous, anguished, I give her gelsenium and it works. We’ve had no big no crises again for now, but had to send a lot of time with her and the baby at the same time. That it is hard even more so as you said at nap time and lunch. For the other great idea for the dolls , I made her a waldorf doll , I will listen to her games. For now she wants to be like me, the same cothes the same hair style etc. Merde I have to leave. Thank you all, I feel better with all your support. I will get back to you. O.M.
It may have to do with the change of environment and perhaps the 2nd child all at the same time. But maybe more with the change in place...
We just went through this with our daughter. We got to France and she kept saying "go home, New York" and just wanted to be in her home, her bed, with her toys and things she knows. I think it's hard for anyone who likes routine (esp children) to change environments. Some are really good, others have a harder time. Ours always has a tough time. So maybe your little girl is going through that too? It could be everything at once, but just know it will probably pass and I'm sure
It's even better since you wrote. Some things we do with our daughter for example : - we try to bring familiar toys and books and try to keep a similar "schedule" so she remembers home. Eating, sleeping, brushing teeth, etc. Maybe that would help? I am reading a great book about sensitive kids that a lot of natural parenting people in the US like called "Raising your spirited child" and it talks a lot about how to handle sensitive children - with upsets, and travel and sleep and other things. It's been a really helpful book with lots of ideas.
I hope things get easier. It's so hard when they get so upset. I think sometimes they just need to "let it out' and know we're there for them.
You are right , she wanted her bed her toys even do she have toys here from her grandma’s who comes here often, but it is never home. I spend a day with her and it became better, it was me who prepared her dinner ect.. routines as you say instead of asking the father every time to help and gave her to him instead of dealing with her tete-a-tete as before, things are changing and when she gets nervous I give her gelsenium that helps. I will get the book you say,thankyou !! I have to go
I just would like to take this opportunity, after M.M’s message, to point out how scary and disturbing it might be for a little one to watch a movie (or TV, videos etc...). Up to the age of 5 to 6 (sometimes later) they don’t have the ability to set distance (make the difference) between what they see and the reality. In other words, what they see (watch) IS real for them ! So, please, pay attention and be cautious with what you give them to watch... I think too few parents are aware of that. The result is either children who become over sensitive, or who protect themselves and behave like unsensitive. Then the effects are reversed : what they watch on TV do not affect them at all (like horrors of the news) as if it couldn’t be real. I don’t see any benefit in any of these two kinds of outcomes. It is quite the same with a piece of theater, but different with a story that is only told to the child, although it might be very scary too... but at least there are no pictures to inprint the child’s fantasy/mind. He or she creates his/her owns, which is less dangerous. This is valid for any kind of movie... even birth movies for instance... watch out what pictures your child will imprint. You know we learn breastfeeding at best around the age of 3-4 by watching... the same for other topics.
Maman et doula en région parisienne