This article was originally published in issue n.68 (Fall 2013) of TESOL France's Teaching Timesmagazine.
In all the years I have worked as a freelance ELT professional in France, very rarely had I ever encountered other female colleagues who were either pregnant or had young babies, actively carrying on their freelance ELT activities and bringing home the proverbial bacon. Perhaps unsurprisingly, I also remarked that virtually nothing was ever said or written about motherhood and being a travailleur independent--not in any of the literature I had read, or in any of the conferences, talks and professional seminars I had attended as an ELT professional. In a field dominated by women, I found this to be incredibly strange and troubling. In this article, I would like to share my experience of pregnancy and motherhood as a freelancer in France and give voice to this seemingly forgotten segment of our workforce.
The Expecting Freelancer’s Unexpected Perks
In France, it is a well-known fact that workers benefit from numerous family-friendly policies and generous maternity leaves and benefits. It is also assumed that travailleurs independants are often forgotten by these policies designed for full–time permanently employed workers.
As a freelance teacher, having a baby had always seemed something elusive and unattainable due to the precarious nature of my working status. I am pleased to report is that I was terribly mistaken: while being a freelancer may not have entitled me to certain perks like the 35-hour work week, I was guaranteed a baby bonus, a paid maternity leave and a stipend which allowed me to gradually ease my way back into my professional activities.
Though I consider myself a hard worker and successful in my work, ELT is not what one would call a get-rich-quick trade. The upside of this harsh reality is that I qualified for a prime de naissance or baby bonus of over 900 €. Meanwhile, the Régime Social des Indépendants (RSI), the public heath care program for travailleurs indépendants, provides a sum of 3086 € to expectant mothers. In addition, 44 days of paid leave are offered with the possibility of a 30-day extension of these benefits for a total of 3753€. [i] When I decided to return to work part-time[ii] after my maternity leave, the Caisse d’Allocations Familiales (CAF) or Family Allowance Office provided me with a monthly stipend of over 400 € per month for a period of six months. Most importantly, I benefited from complete health care coverage including prenatal exams, birth and hospital stay and even postnatal perineal and abdominal physical therapy sessions!
Disclosing the Bump
Knowing that the financial burden of imminent parenthood would be slightly alleviated, I then began focusing my efforts on managing my work schedule before and after baby. As we know, the very essence of freelancing is a double-edged sword: having flexible employment did allow me, for example, to take at least one afternoon off per week during which I was able to schedule my birth preparation classes and pre-natal doctor appointments. However, without the protection afforded by full-time employee rights, I was left in a vulnerable position. Fears of seeing my existing contracts shortened or terminated upon disclosure of my pregnancy overran my mind and I seriously began questioning whether honesty was the best policy. Since my baby bump was barely visible for the first two trimesters, I set out with the unrealistic intention of working as much as I could without anyone noticing my condition.
Let’s just say that it was not a viable solution. While it is true that a woman is not legally obligated to tell her employer of her pregnancy at the time of hiring (Article L1225-2 of the Code du Travail), she must inform her employer in order to receive maternity benefits. And since hiding my ever-expanding belly just seemed to exacerbate my stress, in the end, I opted for a more transparent and honest approach with my clients, employers, supervisors and colleagues. Overall, the reactions were positive when I announced my impending motherhood. In one of the universities where I teach as a vacataire, I was even given the freedom to organize a replacement teacher and resume my course load after my maternity leave.
The Milky Way to Freelancing
I went back to university teaching two days a week when my son was just two months old. When I explained to female colleagues that I was continuing to breastfeed and planned to express my milk during my breaks, I elicited both surprise and awe. In France, the widely held belief that breastfeeding and maintaining a professional career are incompatible is unfortunately still pervasive, despite very specific laws that protect a woman’s right to continue breastfeeding at work[iii]. Personally, I have found that my freelance activities (and even my vacataire teaching positions) can perfectly accommodate my breastfeeding needs. First of all, I am able to plan out my schedule so as to allow myself breaks every three hours to express my breast milk. Though it may require a bit of creative strategizing, I have also been able to negotiate clean and quiet places such as in an office or a school infirmary when I need to pump while at work. Using a high-grade, portable breast pump is essential—and its rental is completely reimbursed by public health care, not to mention that breast milk is itself a totally free and natural way to nourish your baby.
There are a few caveats to my story: putting my professional activities on a low drive after my son’s birth has definitely made a dent in my savings; finding reliable childcare continues to be a real challenge in Ile de France (and merits a separate article onto itself); and I am embarrassed to say how long it actually took me--after countless interruptions— to write this article. For though you may be your own boss as a freelancer, your will is at the total mercy of baby.
For a closer look at working mothers, check out this video featuring Colleen and her family at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPjhna2Dii0. A video created and filmed by Charlotte Yonge, a Paris-based EFL teacher and IBCLC certified lactation consultant.
~Colleen Brown
Editorial Team
[i] http://www.rsi.fr/sante/naissance-et-adoption/allocations-maternite/chefs-dentreprise.html
[ii] http://www.caf.fr/aides-et-services/s-informer-sur-les-aides/petite-enfance/le-complement-de-libre-choix-d-activite
[iii] http://www.lllfrance.org/Allaiter-Aujourd-hui/AA-53-Ce-que-dit-la-loi.html
Re-entering the work force
Excerpt from “Whats a Smart Woman Like You Doing at Home?” P 127.
By Linda Burton, Janet Dittmer & Cheri Loveless.
Working part-time away from the home, often while children are at school or when husbands can be with the children, is another way mothers continue in their chosen fields. Katherine Byrne, of Chicago, Illinois, speaks of the many years she spent in part-time persuits: “I am in my seventy-first year now, and am still happy that I stayed at home - but not exclusively. I always had my hand in something besides the tossed salad and the clay for the Cub Scouts’ Christmas gifts. I left the University of Chicago psychometric laboratory on my way to a doctorate, and never got back to it. But I have had the patchwork pleasure of part-time commintment to many intersting connections: writing, teaching, editing, researching; and now I am probably the city’s oldest paralegal.”
Many of today’s mothers are recognizingthat life has its “seasons” ; that the talents and skills they developed prior to motherhood might be utilised in different ways during the nurturing years - then put in full gear later. The mother of grown children who precede us often remind us that we need not accomplish everyting NOW, that we can do things “in sequence”.
Many of them describe deep satisfaction and fulfillment that came from devoting time to their children in the early years and time for career pursuits later on. As a mother of two from Texas explains: “I am a very modern, active, and liberated woman, loving my freedom now that my children are grown because I was with them when they were growing up. I’d be the first to tell any mother she should be proud to be a mother and homemaker. There’ll probably be plenty of time later for other pursuits! And a mother who stays home with her family now will enjoy her free time later much more, secure in the knowledge that she was there when the children needed a mother.”
Though many today claim that temporarily dropping out of the work force to nurture a familyh can be detrimental to a career, a mother from Castro Valley, California offers this hopeful message: “After college and a successful business career, I took thirty years off to raise four beautiful children. I can truly say that no job is as important, challenging, hard, or fulfilling as guiding a child to adulthood. I might also add that, after the last one was off to college and the nest was empty, despite the views of the media, there was no problem in re-entering the business world without need for re-training or aplogies.”
Mothers who desire to keep up skills or earn money at home are finding ways to do it, realising that nurturing a family does not have to mean the end of an outside career. Lynne Rasmussen, a mother from California who enjoyed a succesful sales career in the electronics and computer fields and now runs her own crafts business while rearing her children at home, expresses a feeling many mothers can recognise: “I’ve gone from feeling “I could never do that” to “maybe I could try it” to “I can do it” to “I can do anything!” It feels great.”
My working/breastfeeding life
At 6:30, my day starts. My daughter and my husband are still sleeping. Outside it is still dark. I lie down next to my little daughter who is about four months old. I caress her gently and she looks for my breast. She finds it and starts to eat. The day breaks most peacefully and joyfully. She drops off to sleep again. I get myself ready for work. She is still asleep. I come to her side and I take her into my arms gently. She gradually wakes up. I wash and dry her and put her clean clothes on. I put on my Pagne Parisien wrap. I have to prepare breakfast now. I try to be with her for a maximum of time. The wrap helps me. I can be with her even while I am doing house keeping. My hands are free even as I am with her all the time.
Just before leaving I breastfeed her again. It's time to go. She is comfortable inside the wrap. No coldness can touch her. She is well protected. As soon as the front door closes behind us, she asks to nurse. She knows she can. The way to the nanny's place takes 20 minutes. She is on my breast all the way. She is filled. I say good bye to my little daughter.
I miss her so much already. In the morning, I pump my breast milk at 10:30 for 10 to 15 minutes. No problem. I think of my daughter. I feel connected with her even though we are physically separated. At 12:00, I go to the nanny's place. I put on the wrap and go out with her. She looks for my breasts. She is hungry. She eats peacefully inside the wrap. I buy my lunch and eat it with my friends. She continues to drink, drink, and sleep.... I feel so happy being with her. In the afternoon, I pump my milk at 14:00 and 17:30. Totally, each day I pump from 220 to 300 mls. At 18:30, I pick up my daughter. I put the wrap on. She immediately looks for my breast. She wants to sleep. She is tired. She drinks and sleeps while I am walking and doing some shopping for tonight. She is calm. Nobody knows that I am breast feeding. The wrap is a nest for her. It's the place where she can be fed and comforted. Warm and full of milk. When I get home, I prepare dinner with her inside the wrap. I breastfeed her but I am free. She is in the wrap safely. My husband does not like the wrap. He thinks it's too much work. He does not want to put it on. It's a shame. He does not understand breastfeeding either. He thought all mothers pump their milk and give it to their babies in a bottle. I laughed at the idea. I have tried to help him understand breastfeeding but haven’t been successful. His efforts go somewhere else. I think breastfed babies are much happier. My baby doesn't cry so much because we can communicate somehow by breast feeding. I can feel what she wants and without thinking about it, I am reacting to it. The wrap helps me too.
I find she is better fed with the wrap because I can do so many things while breast feeding so I have much more time to feed her. She has gained much more weight and she has grown more in length too. I wish I had used the wrap a long time ago. I bought it before her birth but I did not go to the workshop and it was bit difficult for me to master it alone. I still have to learn how to use it better I’m sure, but for a next baby, I will have fewer problems and more confidence in breastfeeding.
S.H. Paris, France. Oct. 2005
Working Attachment Moms - Making the Break
Hello all of you
If you remember I polluted few weeks ago the forum with my real fear about my dry symptom which could be caused by an auto-immune desease. I just think I should let you know that I have made a decisoin. I am about stop to working outside the home. I have few more days left to work in may. I have to let my nanny go for beginning of June (legal delay) and I have just said no to two more job offers I got just after making my decision. My husband is not very happy with it (he would prefer me working) but has accepted my choice to start something new as a way of life for myself and for my family
This is a big step for me (moreover a "rupture" with a family pattern) and I just know all the exchange I have had here with attached parents helped me a lot in doing this !
Apparantly we are 2.5 million “mères au foyer” in France. You can't imagine how happy I am to think that I am about to join you in ET meetings or at ANPA meetings !
Much love
M.F.
ps : about my dry symptom, it is better (2 applications of lansinoh morning and at night are enough) but I have to keep drinking a lot and brushing my teeth like a maniac because dry mouth causes cavities (my dentist has just discovered one) I really had to become sick to make something peace with myself !
So good to hear good news from you M.F.
I was happy to see you at the meeting the other day and hear the good news you told
me then about quitting your job.
I admire you for making such a difficult decision, mothering full time versus career.
I need to make a similar one at the moment, my new job is too much for me and I CANNOT stand being away from R so much. I don't know if I can be a good mother while being away from him so long, I miss him too much and my body keeps on telling me with letdowns all the time.
In this day and here in France, full time mothers are seen negatively, and like a social regression, cf: previous discussions about feminism on this forum. But we need to change that, it's only NATURAL.
It is a big step for you and I wish you and your family lots of happiness in your new life !
Hope to see you soon. Take care,
AB
I think it's amazing what you're doing and discovering. You go, girl!!
AM.
M.F,
I am so happy for you that you are going through this process. I.A. is
a very lucky girl.
You did not however pollute the forum! Sharing is not polluting!! If no one shared, we would have no forum and everyone would continue to feel isolated and in terrible difficulties like nobody else could imagine. (sometimes its true)
Having a sounding board is so important in life. If other parents can bring insight or just comment on your posts, and if that helps, then; goal accomplished. I am so happy you feel you have got something from the input. I'm over the moon with joy that you are giving yourself this opportunity to try another way.
Welcome to 24h a day availablity, no pay, no benefits, no breaks, no holidays. Your rewards will be a smile or a giggle, an occasional emptied plate, a 2 hour siesta once in a while. A first word, first poo in the potty or a pee you didn't miss. Watching your child exchange a toy for another instead of grabbing it from another child.
Life with your child 24/24h is full of rich rewards! You'll love it.
Lots of love,
C.
Hi M.F.
It's not an easy choice becoming a full time mum in our society where status, possessions and careers are so important. Well done for being brave enough to give it a try. I've just spent most of my day with M being attacked by her teddy bear, having raspberries blown on my tummy and watching a tiny little person in a small baby bath flood a bathroom floor. Some people I know would describe that as uninteresting, not challenging enough, put quite simply I do not agree. there may be tough days even terrible moments but being with your child full time is also more joy than i've known before.
Enjoy all those great times ahead of you!
H.
Hello to you all
After recent discussion here about mothering versus jobs/ careers, I was just wondering if any of you had jobs out of the house and had to leave your children.
I know it isn't really the spirit of the forum and I hope it won't be politically incorrect to talk about it. I really need some contact with other mothers who have been through it to see if I can get through it myself. For instance how to do you manage closeness with your baby when you're apart several hours a day ?
I hope this won't shock any of you that I am wondering if having a "career" is compatible with being a good enough mother, and especially being close, bonding, and having a close loving relationship with a young child, yes a lot of closeness indeed.
A.
A. it is not politically incorrect! This is a subject that is
important to you and you are an attachment parent and it is totally valid! There is even a dossier called "staying an attachment parent" or something and somewhere there is either a paper or folder on working attachment parents. It is a common and very important subject.
I cant really offer much to your request because I only went back to work after my firstborn was 3 so it definitely wasn"t difficult. (and anyway I only went back for 3 days a week and he was looked after by his father when he wasn't in the maternel, which was a really bad experience, but that is not the subject)
S. who is now in Japan being a full time mother had a really hard time working full time and putting A in a with a PMI "family" creche (one nounou and 3 charges) for over a year. I have downloaded conversations on the subject. She had a hell of a time.
The only thing I might suggest for long separations during the day would be to sleep with your child but I think you do that already.
I'm sure lots of people here have stuff to suggest. I'll shut up now.
Good night, and keep up your good work parenting. I know you and R are close, I can see it when he is in the wrap and looking so peaceful.
Love C
Hi. Me again.
This is an article I found that I had downloaded a long time ago, only I'm not sure where it is on the forum. It might be of interest to you.
Excerpt from “Whats a Smart Woman Like You Doing at Home?” P 127.
By Linda Burton, Janet Dittmer & Cheri Loveless.
Working part-time away from the home, often while children are at school or when husbands can be with the children, is another way mothers continue in their chosen fields. Katherine Byrne, of Chicago, Illinois, speaks of the many years she spent in part-time persuits: “I am in my seventy-first year now, and am still happy that I stayed at home - but not exclusively. I always had my hand in something besides the tossed salad and the clay for the Cub Scouts’ Christmas gifts. I left the University of Chicago psychometric laboratory on my way to a doctorate, and never got back to it. But I have had the patchwork pleasure of part-time commintment to many intersting connections: writing, teaching, editing, researching; and now I am probably the city’s oldest paralegal.”
Many of today’s mothers are recognizingthat life has its “seasons” ; that the talents and skills they developed prior to motherhood might be utilised in different ways during the nurturing years - then put in full gear later. The mother of grown children who precede us often remind us that we need not accomplish everyting NOW, that we can do things “in sequence”.
Many of them describe deep satisfaction and fulfillment that came from devoting time to their children in the early years and time for career pursuits later on. As a mother of two from Texas explains: “I am a very modern, active, and liberated woman, loving my freedom now that my children are grown because I was with them when they were growing up. I’d be the first to tell any mother she should be proud to be a mother and homemaker. There’ll probably be plenty of time later for other pursuits! And a mother who stays home with her family now will enjoy her free time later much more, secure in the knowledge that she was there when the children needed a mother.”
Though many today claim that temporarily dropping out of the work force to nurture a familyh can be detrimental to a career, a mother from Castro Valley, California offers this hopeful message: “After college and a successful business career, I took thirty years off to raise four beautiful children. I can truly say that no job is as important, challenging, hard, or fulfilling as guiding a child to adulthood. I might also add that, after the last one was off to college and the nest was empty, despite the views of the media, there was no problem in re-entering the business world without need for re-training or aplogies.”
Mothers who desire to keep up skills or earn money at home are finding ways to do it, realising that nurturing a family does not have to mean the end of an outside career. Lynne Rasmussen, a mother from California who enjoyed a succesful sales career in the electronics and computer fields and now runs her own crafts business while rearing her children at home, expresses a feeling many mothers can recognise: “I’ve gone from feeling “I could never do that” to “maybe I could try it” to “I can do it” to “I can do anything!” It feels great.”
Thank you C. My mind (life?) is a mess at the moment and I really need help ... but no one can decide for me I know.
Yes R sleeps with us and I love that closeness. In addition his father takes care of him when I'm gone so it's an "ideal" caretaker, for the moment.
I've decided to give myself until the end of May to see if I want to pursue my job or not, and why. Between all the holidays and long week ends there is only one full week for me in the month. I hope I will last that long. I'm afraid to just give up too fast and be sorry in a little while.
The article you sent is very interesting and that's exacly my problem : this is what I would have wanted BEFORE I became a mother, I would have given almost anything to get this particular job, but R wasn't around yet.
Now I have to figure out how to use my skills and my job which I do love (although I've had to make some adjustments mentally) now that I am a mother. It is such an adjustment to become a mother !
Thank you for your support.
Warmly, A
L.L, I don't know what to say ... I read your email when I came
home last night and I've just been reading it over and over and over. Thank you SO much for taking the time and energy to answer at such length. I can tell you wrote with your heart, and I'm really grateful.
I too try to enjoy those moments of closeness in the bathtub, in bed, cuddling with R, and when I'm away at my new job that's all I can think of, him. I wonder constantly what I'm doing here instead of being with my son and enjoying some of those magical moments.
I don't know what in the world crossed my mind when I applied for this job back in September, it was a day when I was feeling down, feeling that I was a terrible mother because it was just "one of those days" and I saw this ad in a well known center and I would have never thought they'd actually hire me. I don't know if it's my dream job now, but a few years ago it definitely would have been, I would have given almost anything to have it. But that was before R was around.
Everything you said rings a bell, especially the guilt and feeling of inadequacy part. I know I need to live for myself also, not just for my child. I need "my space", and I thought I'd have that if I took up this new job, but I think I was wrong in that. There must be other ways to fulfill my life and show an example of an accomplished woman for my son other than having a "career".
I think the hard part for me is to accept that I'm not the same person now that I've become a mother and that what I want now is different then what wanted a few years ago. I need to listen to that
little voice, you're right.
Yes I'd love to read some of those life stories.
Thank you again for your support, reading you has done me a world of good.
Take care. Warm wishes,
A
Hi A,
I've been struggling with this dilemma myself, and I don't think that there's any real answer.
I managed to finish my dissertation before my W's first birthday (he just turned 2), thanks to a couple of stays at my parents' in the States, where my mother cared for him and came to knock on the door when she didn't have anymore pumped milk to feed him (and thanks to LL, who watched W so that I could revise and defend my dissertation).
I felt lucky to go to work full-time when W was 16 months old, staying home with his father, and me a 10-minute walk away. I thought that being a college professor would give me lots of flexibility and free time, and I imagined coming home for lunch and such (I don't know how M does it), and just feeling so fulfilled by my job that I would have extra energy to give to my family at home. In fact, it's been overwhelming. The work is much more than I had expected even in my most realistic moments; my husband has not been the ideal caregiver, as he's struggled with culture shock, isolation, and depression; if I come home, W won't let me leave again (he stopped crying when I left in the morning only 2 months ago); I'm exhausted from night feedings... I love teaching university-level French language, literature, and culture, but I feel pulled in two opposite directions. And I've just accepted a position at another college for next year.
There are positive aspects, too. I do feel fulfilled on an intellectual level, and I also am very present when I'm with W, which wasn't always the case when I was home with him all day. I teach at a college for women, and they have seen me nurse all over campus, and W has attended many events (I've pushed the limits of where I can take him, including class and a meeting--those two were less successful than the college happy hour). Most of them find his presence inspiring and don't really mind when he sings along with the chorale, for example. W has had contact with many people who look out for him and has been part of a community.
It's just not easy, as childbearing and career-building years overlap, but with a bit of flexibility, creativity, and support, we can certainly figure out a solution for ourselves and our children. I'm still struggling myself to find one that makes sense to me and feels
right.
Thanks for bringing this up, and best wishes for a decision that brings you peace.
SD
God I don't know...
When my colleagues or friends ask me "how do you manage" my answer is "I don't" And that's not just a trying to be clever joke -well it is a little.
It's also the plain truth.
My house is in a permanent depressing mess. I cannot invite anyone around because if I clean it the minute I've finished there will be many little arms to throw dirt on the floor, and basiclaly mess everything up. Oh and all the glasses are broken any rate.
SO I don't invite colleagues home which would be the normal thing to do.
I As of my work... yes I perform big time as of classes and books/articles writing.
But.... I have this other colleague in my speciality who's juts been hired as a consultant at the univ of R, who then went to Canada and then again Japan. Obviously that's the type of thing I will never be able to do. I have to do a conference only in Pau, France, at the end of this month and it's been hell organising everything (my second daughter will stay at her friend's, I'm taking the three boys, so I had to hire a baby-sitter there and to book an extra room in the hotel, and other train tickets, all this at my expense naturally). Every time I go somewhere I take them. It's cute. People smile. But some of them obviously think "what a mental case !" or "who does she think she is bringing kids in such a place ?!" All right they are jerks. Still it does affect my carreer no point trying to pretend it does not. So I have to prove more than others that I'm competent by drowning them with my publications (I've published more, much more, at my age -soon to be 44- than most of my retired colleagues). But there's a price to pay for this too : exhaustion as S puts it. I never had a real maternity leave. Always worked my ass off till the very last minute before and started a few days, sometimes when lucky weeks after.
And probably absolutely no time for oneself.
Right this second I'm stealing time from work and my baby who's "aheu-ing" on the mattress that I'v installed in the office.
Now my office is a caricature of what I do : it's an office, with thousands of books and files, two computers, phones, etc. But there's a baby bed (not used for him :; it's where I put his clothes) and two mattresses on which we both sleep. Also there are little cars that T, aged 3, left, biscuits I had to hide from N, aged 8, because he eats them all at once if I'm not careful, a toy he's given the baby, pictures they've all drawn.... photos of them, LLL posters....
Basically I live there in a totally weird work/family mix.... and all right baby boy I'll pick you up and end your misery...
M.
Back to Work, pumping for my 6 month old.
This is how returning to work went for me.
Sunday, the day before D day.
I cry sometimes because I am sad to leave my baby and afraid to have forgotten everything at work. I feel like I will miss something even if I have had enough of being alone at home, of changing the diapers and so. So between these feelings, I am quite troubled: stressed, happy and sad at the same time.
Monday:
It feels good to get dressed properly and to put on make up.
I kiss my family goodbye, they do not wake up. It is comforting to see my baby girl sleeping in her father's arms. (we co sleep)
At work, I receive a very warm "welcome" from my colleagues. My boss arrives and welcomes me too. When I tell her that I will be closing my door 2 or 3 times a day to pump she just tells me "well good luck" with a slightly disgusted smile.
I must describe my boss: She got back 6 month ago from her maternity leave having weaned her baby to artificial nipples, and artificiel milk « so » she could go back to work. She has left the 3m old infant and her 2 years old girl to a nanny. She works 4/5 days and works from 10 am until 7pm, sometimes 8pm. She is a cold but professional boss.
I did not react to that nasty smile and started closing my office door to pump.
I note the hours I pump at, and for how long; just in case.
The first days I pumped twice getting about 130ml each time. I put the milk in the fridge and rince the pump. It is not fun but I keep on looking at pictures of my baby girl that make me smile and I listen to a funny radio show.
To help me, my baby girl’s father sends me a photo of our baby girl every hour and tells me what they are doing and about all the fun they have together. It really helps.
5:30 pm I leave work with my pumped milk in a special bag.
The instant I got home, I heard a little shout and saw a big smile on my baby girl’s face and I was suddenly the happiest girl on earth! She breastfed immediately, then we played and all had dinner together and she felt asleep in my arms. We all co sleep.
At night, she woke up a lot to drink my milk, and feel the closeness.
Tuesday to friday:
More and more, my baby girl wakes up in the morning for a drink and a cuddle, then goes back to sleep in her father's arms. He cannot put her down in her bed anymore ! She smiles and seems so happy, so he works with the situation. He is such a good father. I pump 2-3 times a day, but more and more, my boss frowns at me now. She knows I have to leave work at 5:30 and despite that (or perhaps because of that) she schedules meetings for me at 5:25pm. She did that two days in a row. I had to summon all my courage to say at 5:45pm "sorry but I have to go now. » I justified my leaving on time with « I get to work very early in the morning, at 8:00 am". No need to say that she did not smile at all.
My baby girl still wakes me up at night. so I am beginning to feel really tired, but I still get lots of milk when I pump so I cant complain really.
Monday week 2:
She cried a lot this morning so I got to work trembling and really sad. I’m wondering if it is worth going to work? Actually, on a financial level, I have no other choice! My boss told me that she is unhappy with me leaving work sooner than she does and not working late until 8pm like I used to, and that I take my 2 legal pumping breaks, and so on and so on...
I remain calm and say that I understand her feelings, but that I have a duty to my child and my child is priority. From time to time I will be able to stay late but not on a regular basis. As for the pumping « breaks » I bought a handfree kit (thanks for the tip M.M!) so it is certainly not a « break » despite the fact that legally I am allowed my 30 minute pumping breaks twice a day.
Well, I know I will not get a raise this year!! So no need to work overtime now. At least I’m not going to waste my time for nothing. Its an advantage to know where I stand on that point!
Tuesday :
My boss gives me lots and lots pf work and stresses me. I am afraid to have less milk due to the stress, so I radically changed my attitude: I remain calm and tell myself that work is not everything. The worst she can do to me is to fire me (and that wouldn’t be such a bad thing). I am good enough to find another job, and I know in what order my priorities lie: Family first.
This way, I remain unstressed, and have milk (sometime 210ml at a time), whereas my boss is so stressed to see that I am happy to work, as I am maintaing my breastfeeding relationship, and getting my milk to my baby even in my absence.
I CAN pump now without a photo or radio show, so I pump and work at the same time, hands free with no problem.
I am happy because all my other colleagues are congratuling me for pumping (they are mothers too) so it really helps. They tell me it is a great thing and that it is important to continue if its my choice. And when I think about it: I realise that am much more performant at work because I am so focused on getting it done, and done well in the reduced time I give myself to do it in. Because I am not letting myself get stressed, I am really really much more efficient!
It is not always easy, being separated from my baby, but it is, by far, much easier than I thought it would be, thanks to pumping. Breast feeding my baby is such a great reward! Such a tiny effort for so much happiness for the whole family.
So in conclusion:
1. Breast feeding and pumping is possible even if you are a "cadre" with a heavy work load.
2. It is important to focus on your choice, and to feel supported by the father of your baby, friends, and colleagues as much as possible.
3. Hands free pumping is a real blessing. (Thankyou Mamanana)
4. Using photos and listening to a funny show helped me to relax in the beginning
5. A closed office is an advantage (I could not do it in the WC but a coworker did it that way for 9 months !)
6. If you need to buy a little isothermic bag, they cost 7.50€ at "le vieux campeur".
M. V.
Sept 09
Marji.
Exerpt from “Immaculate Deception 2” Myth, Magic & Birth.
By Suzanne Arms.
Marji is a physician instructor at a family practice residency program in New York. When she made the decision to breastfeed, as a full time working mother, it was partly because both she and her husband had been bottle fed babies and both of them had a history of allergies. Breastfeeding her baby made her life much more complicated since she had to find a way to do it while continuing her teaching schedule. She has breastfed all four of her children throughout their infancy.
My husband and I used to call it demand feeding. Mommy demands that baby eat according to mommy’s schedule. Luckily some kids will tolerate being put on someone else’s routine. I arranged for a baby sitter who lived near the hospital, and she would either bring my baby to me for feeding or I’d go to her house, -depending on whether I had a lunch meeting or not. I would feed the baby in the morning before I left for the hospital. She’d give him a bottle of breast milk in the middle of the day, then I would feed him again around six, and again later in the evening.
Residents saw me teaching and nursing a baby at the same time. Sometimes I also had to give additional seminars around the six o’clock feeding. It became accepted around here that nursing babies could be part of the program.
My last kid was only four pounds at birth and could not adapt to my schedule. She really needed to nurse every one and a half to two hours. So I brought her to work with me. I always asked patients’ permission when I was in the clinic. to have her there. Almost no one objected. My daughter was in a bassinet in my office for several months, until she was able to tolerate an extended period of time between feedings.
I would not recommend this ordinarily, but in order to work - which I needed to do- and feed my child the way she needed, I had no choice. It would have been very difficult to do this in a hospital that didn’t support me.
I had many patients, teenage girls especially, who commented that seeing me talk to them while I breastfed made them see how important breastfeeding is and that it didn’t need to tie you down. At that point I wasn’t even thinking of the positive impact it might have on patients. I was just surviving.
Most of my collegues were just glad to have me back seeing patients, even if it was in a slightly preposterous capacity. I think it made a big difference here. Within the department, people now often bring their older kids to work, especially for lunchtime or evening meetings. They bring young children and they breastfeed their babies. It’s accepted. But I didn’t do it to make people change. I had a life to lead and kids to feed, and I wasn’t willing to make compromises about the well-being of my kids.